Life Renovation in Progress

i’m really thankful that i signed up for this class at EAST!

i really think everyone should go through this, the book at least, for themselves because it did change my life and how i looked at God and myself and others.

there are many good books out there which could have brought out some of these things we deal with on a daily basis, but the way this material and class was done tops reading. sometimes we tend to just read, but this book/material forces us to really think and engage in what we learnt.

so so many things to share with you. i think my favourite is knowing God for who He is, knowing Him as my father, putting off the false beliefs that i have about God and about myself.

as i choose to renew my mind and shake off the false beliefs i have, i can grow closer in my relationship with God and experience intimacy with Him. i can experience the true abundant life that Jesus speaks of!

i just stumbled upon something i kind of wished i didn’t see. it isn’t necessarily all bad, but i guess it’s something i don’t think i need NOW. then perhaps, it’s something God wanted me to see because He has placed me here, in this time and place for a reason.

it’s been a crazy couple of weeks. in the midst of Happy Hour, DGs, website, Gen12, then comes FOC. it’s really a scary adventure, but i know it can all work out because God is here with me!

Happy Hour: God really amazed us (E comm.). This Happy Hour saw many of our graduating students actively inviting their friends. to tell the truth, i didn’t think publicity was “tip top”, and it wasn’t as early as i hoped it would be, but still those precious few weeks, those less-than-perfect-and-didn’t-go-according-to-plan publicity things done for the ministry felt like it went good because people were really inviting their friends and taking ownership.

that has to be God!

no one else could move the hearts of our students to go invite their friends, even our freshmen came with a friend! no one else could cause 30 new friends to be there for Happy Hour! even as E comm. sought to bless our friends, i think we left Happy Hour blessed instead by what God did.

and this was the first time i saw almost all the food all chomped up! (leaving behind a couple heads worth of lettuce only!)

Lord, please keep those hearts open, please continue to work in their lives, please continue to give our students boldness to share, heart to pray and sincerity to love. Let the Christ in them shine through for all to see who You are. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

since the recent months or so, i’ve started to question the stuff i believe, the things i do, etc.

i guess they kind of just rolled up into a huge ball tonight during Xroads.

R came to share today on prayer and missions. and at the end of it, all i could do was to take a look at myself and take a look at my discipleship. i felt ashamed for wasting my life. i really haven’t been “living life to the fullest”. i haven’t been “busy living”. then i look at the girls under my care, and even beyond, just believers of Christ, children of God in general on this campus. i wondered what would it take for each one to live out the full purpose that God has for them during their few years here and beyond. i wondered what it would take for them to catch the vision and run with it.

then i wondered if i’m too harsh. i really don’t know.

all i know right now is that beyond this organization, beyond this campus, beyond this island, beyond this earth, there is a God who sent His son to die for us because He loves us so so much. all i know is that Jesus is returning soon, though we don’t know when, but yet many many many still do not know Him.

the people around us seem to like commenting on how hopeless life is, or how there is an empty space in their hearts. is there someone around them able to stand up and point them in the right direction? is there someone praying that they will not stop there, but continue to seek for the source of true hope?

for the lack of a better word, i think our generation is a passive one. as we worshipped this evening, i wondered if we meant every word that came out of our mouths, even myself. i wondered if we understood what it means for us to sing those words flashed on the wall. we ask the Lord to break our hearts for what breaks His, but is this just a one-way thing where we sit there and “wait” for our hearts to be broken?

a heavy mind and a heavy heart right now. i’m thankful it’s retreat tomorrow, and i sure hope to sort some of these questions out. answers anyone?

Take My Heart by Fatblueman

長い間待ち続けていた
心引かれついていく
あなたを叫び続けた
この涙でながされた
And I’m waiting for you (2x)

Take my heart
きみだけにあげる
I was made for loving you
And I will wait
あなたを待ち続ける
I was made for loving you (2x)

あなたが愛してくれたから
その愛に答えたい
ぼくの心とらえ
見つめられる、それだけで

————-

i discovered this song just recently when i downloaded fatblueman’s latest album (legally of course), to support them. (do check them out!)

this is my favourite track off the album, it’s really a very beautiful song. up until just now, it was just that, but suddenly it struck a chord with my heart.

a little off, i know, but i’m now looping this song over and over and decided to read the staff dev. plan while doing so. as i looked through the document and looked at certain ones of the elements presented in the file, as i also thought about my life the past few months, even the past year, as i think of some of the things i’ve been meaning to do but never did because i was afraid, because i was uncertain, maybe even because i lack faith that God would provide for me in those aspects… i felt touched. this song started meaning more to me than just the beautiful melody and lyrics.

this song speaks of giving of my all to the Lord, asking Him to take my heart, declaring i will offer my all to Him simply as i was made for loving Him.

recently i started pondering stuff like my purpose in life, basically things which made me wonder, things which even made me feel insecure. it’s scary finding myself thinking those things. many ‘what-if’s. but today on my busride home, this song reminded me something very important – i was made for loving Him. it’s as simple as that. there is a Creator, and i am His beloved creation. whatever my purpose is, it’s what He has created me for. but unfortunately i’ve been losing sight of that.

i haven’t been giving Him all of me. i haven’t been loving Him with every ounce of my being, with all i am. i’ve been pulling myself apart with my own hands, by my rebelliousness, by my sins, by my running away.

i want to discover my first Love again. i want to rediscover for myself, all the different “Christian things” i’ve been taught to be true, but was never really grabbed on by. that said, it really sounds scary and huge. HUGE. and seriously, that makes me want to escape again and slug down on my couch and give up and give in to my laziness. but it’s about time i put in more effort into living this life. i don’t want to regret when half my life is gone. i want to walk in the footsteps of my Saviour.

Father, please help me. i cannot do this alone by myself. please forgive me for rebelling, please forgive me for running away when i know i can run toward You. thank You for Your grace, thank You for Your love, Your great love which never fails, which never stops loving one such as me. You have created so many amazing people, yet You have chosen to use me in such a manner, yet You have chosen to love me in such a way. thank You for loving me, thank You for never giving up, for always being faithful when i am not. thank You for creating me to love You, for experiencing Your love for me. it’s all about You…

Happy New Year, Happy 2010! =)

it’s the new year, and though the first few days have been spent just slugging around at home, i’m proud to say that i have not been slacking entirely as well!

just today, i had communications comm. meeting after service at church at Orchard Central. knowing i’d be in town, somewhere with Daiso in the vicinity, i had started planning on getting some stuff in a bid to try to organize my life – particularly my wardrobe, in this phase of the renovation.

in the recent weeks, i started clearing out my wardrobe, and i ended up with about 2-3 bags of clothes i didn’t want. that is fabulous news because i have started to squish clothing into my dresser but after it’s full, there are still about 3 to 4 piles of clothes lying around. now that my wardrobe is pretty empty (and i’m so happy about it!), there should be more than enough space for everything to fit (i hope!). by the looks of it, i may have a little bit more which i want to get rid, because the karang guni in me kept some stuff which i think i probably still wouldn’t wear in the coming years…

anyway, i trotted down to get movie tickets at lido first before traveling to PS where Daiso is. i bought 12 items, namely some plastic separator things (to create compartments in my dresser drawers), some pvc decoration sheet to cover the top surfaces of the shelves in my wardrobe (impt that it’s not paper because silverfish likes paper! eww), a shallow open-top box to store my facial products which i use daily, and 2 A4 trays for paper which i have yet to use because my tables are not in this phase of organization yet (but it’s soon after i settle the wardrobe!).

i feel so accomplished, but there’s more to be done! i have to start thinking how to sort all my clothes – which goes into the dresser, which into the main wardrobe. and then, which to hang, which to fold. i should also have a system for myself that allows me to have regular times of ironing my clothes, cleaning my room, packing stuff, etc. SO MUCH TO DO! but it’s nice to feel like i have time to do all these now that meta is over. but the semester is starting, meaning ministry will start to snowball soon…

anyway, if anyone has tips to help me organize, do feel free to let me know, appreciate it!

one more happy news – my pc was dead but now it’s alive! i’m officially a mac user with access to windows, which means i can once again use TnTMPD! yay! =)

I’m not one who ‘tracks’ the latest in Christian music. i know the songs i know through singing them in church, at meetings, etc.

I recently got interested in the TCX conference, a student conference by Upper Midwest CCC in the States, because of John Piper’s appearance. Due to the laggy videos and the kinda-slow loading, i decided to just watch them without fast forwarding too much, and in the process i cam across these 2 songs, 1 released in 2008, and 1 in 2009. I pray whoever’s reading will be blessed by it. Happy New Year!

i decided that the next step to take is to FINALLY clean my room. it’s really gross and i’m on the verge of not being able to take it anymore. that said, my first step to only play 1 game on FB has been successful so far! i’ve only been on my favourite country story…

anyway, i was clearing all the pieces of clothing strewn all over my room (more like categorising for now), with some of my favourite CDs playing through the 5-VCD player i have in my room when i suddenly heard this sound of something dropping onto the floor. as the floor was in a mess, i couldn’t tell what it was as i tried looking for it. so i gave up and continued packing until i looked up (i was facing the player) and saw SMOKE coming out of the player!! soon i smelt the smoke as well and it just kept coming out of the space where the discs go in. >.<

i tried pressing the open/close button but nothing happened. the on/off button worked though. then i got dad to come and he offed the main switch.

SIGH. i only hope my CDs are fine. i only have 1 out of 3 of them on my laptop…

today, the NTU teams came together for a fun, and also funny time of celebrating Christmas (early). we had a feast. let’s see: one whole roasted chicken, 3 sticks of bacon-wrapped sausages, honey-glazed ribs, many many egg tarts, 3 boxes of ‘golden pillow’, and a bottle of sparkling white grape juice. apart from the eating and the fellowshipping, there was also a time of (white elephant) gift exchange! it was quite fun, and there was some pretty silly/funny gifts.

anyway, in the midst of today’s ‘party’ and meeting, there was a thought which came into my mind. i realized that i had the expectation of myself to be able to become a ‘good’ staff a few years down the road (assuming i’m still down this road). that’s when i realized that i somewhat think the years of experience, the years on ministry makes the staff, somewhat.

of course the experience and all that helps, but the truth is there won’t be a point where we will be ‘perfect’ in what we do. no matter how many years, how much experience, there will always be that room for mistakes. and for myself, it’s letting me have that room to make mistakes, lest i become too hard on myself and start setting unrealistic expectations.